Dear parents … lets forgive ourselves quickly …..
Years ago, after the birth of my first child, a wise woman in my life, my therapist at the time - said to me, "Katrina, you need to learn to forgive yourself quickly.” Jill then went on to explain to me that I would make mistakes every single day of my life in the process of parenting and relating to my children. And was she right! I remember this conversation as if it were yesterday. Jill explained that learning to forgive myself quickly for the mistakes I was making along the way was important because if I didn’t do so, then my future parenting would be affected by the guilt I felt for my past mistakes. Plus, she knew me well and knew that, at that time, my inner critic screamed loudly whenever I perceived myself to fail. (after a lot os self work this is much better now…. phew!)
When I am delivering training to rooms full of teachers and other professionals, I describe the difference between the ideal we all have for ourselves as parents and then the reality; and that some days those things are further apart than others. I offer this description as a way of describing the humanity in parenting and as a way to invite some self compassion towards ourselves as parents because parenting is not an easy job.
On the days I do nail the moment with my children (now teenagers) I get so excited that if I had a megaphone, I truly think I would rush out into the street and blast, “I did it!! I did it!!” to which passer-by’s I’m sure would be giving me some weird looks.
When I am talking to parents / caregivers about their own experience of parenting their children; I am mindful of both the privilege of the conversation, the limitations of being human myself, and the responsibility I hold in my hands. I offer ideas and suggestions and strongly and repeatedly emphasise that they are “the experts of their own child / themselves, and I am merely the ideas person”. I am truly okay with the idea that people may take my suggestions and use them or they may throw them away, and I respect that it is their choice.
My greatest wish is to ease suffering. I know that when it comes to parents and carers, we all deserve an abundance of self love. So, the question then is, how can we be kind to ourselves, compassionate toward ourselves, and understanding toward ourselves as we make our way through this thing called parenting.
Here are some ideas …
Perfectionism is over rated … good enough is good enough.
Parenting is unpredictable, chaotic and messy. When the girls were young, I was often overwhelmed and, in a place where it felt like not much was good enough. I now realise that I had ADHD which is another story to be told later. Even without ADHD most parents would agree that parenting can be very stressful. We get tired and irritable. We make mistakes. These days rather than perfection I endeavour to ask myself “Am I a good enough mother?” This question releases me from the pressure of needing to be perfect and gives me more room to more fairly assess myself.
A good enough parent understands that being receptive, empathic, caring, and loving to our children is important. Perfectionistic parenting is the belief that if we want to be excellent parents, we must carry out those duties flawlessly throughout the day, every day. The truth is though that in order to be a good parent, you must accept that you can't always be available to your children. When we accept this ourselves and take ourselves off the perfectionistic hook, then we free ourselves from a state of constant anxiety. We are also role modelling this way of living to our children and that is invaluable.
2. Oxygen mask on first….
Dr Anne Marie Bickerton, Snr Psychiatrist who works with a focus on children and families; frequently uses the analogy of when we are on an aeroplane just about to take off and the airline stewards remind us that if you are travelling with your child, should anything happen and the oxygen masks are released; that parents are to place their oxygen mask on first and then their child’s. This simple process demonstrates the importance that in a time of crisis and even in every day life; as parents we must look after ourselves first so that we then have capacity to give to our children.
The critical point is that as parents/ carers we do need to look after ourselves first so that we can be the best we can be. But what does that even look like?
3. Self care and self love.
Finding ways to fill your own emotional, psychological and physical cup will be unique to you. What works for one person will not even touch the sides for another. It is important that we all find the forms of self care that work for us. At a minimum we need to look after our brain and body with regular sleep, healthy eating (plus chocolate…. oh opps .. well, it’s there now), movement and time in nature. Beyond that, the list is endless.
